… and of giving in to its obsessive pull.
Reading this blog post “Fear of being at home” by Helen Hayward, not only spoke straight out of my heart but also made me wonder when I had allowed myself the utterly selfish step to decide to write and to actually allocate time every day to something that was neither part of my daytime job, neither was of any use to family life, my family, my children, the house, the monthly income or anything at all that would satisfy anyone else but myself.
It isn’t that long ago that I took this step, maybe a couple of months, but the thought has been lingering on my mind already before I even founded a family and was pregnant with my first child over 10 years ago.
I’d play with the thought, then after an objective calculation of how many hours I’d have to invest into writing a novel and all of this with the prospect of a 1 to 10.000 chance that I’d ever get published and an even lesser chance of earning any money with it, the flutter of an idea was quickly put into a drawer.
Yet, it always came back to me, no matter what I did. It was like a boomerang that, the stronger I threw it away, pushed it out of my life, the quicker it returned and with much more force than ever, hitting me straight in the head.
Considering it’s only since two years ago that I allow myself the luxury of taking a break from work twice a week and go for a run to clear my head (sort of a self-prescribed medicine to rub off the constant stress-induced cramp in the chest), the idea of actually spending 20 minutes or up to two hours a day on writing always seemed like the worst and most irresponsible thing to do as a fulltime working mother. And as Helen also suggests in her post, the moment you enter your home, you’re first like “ah, this is nice, finally at home”. And the next second you are panic-ridden from the to do list that is looming behind the door and hovering over you every second, only increasing the ever constant and inbred bad conscience that – unfortunately – we women have.
Enjoying a nice cup of tea with a magazine? Sure! What are you thinking after 5 minutes into it? Something around the lines of “I really should be folding the laundry / cleaning the lunchboxes for the next day / …” or any of the 3.644 things I have to do every day within the 2 hours of “free” time after the kids are in bed…
It takes time and practice to first open the door to all your dreams and passions that, one day, you put aside because life just became complicated, you became an adult and anything that wasn’t showing any concrete benefits was considered a waste of time. Then, once you realize that you miss these things and have felt sort of incomplete all these years without it, you consider opening the door even further until the one day that you give in to it and accept it back in your life, making your soul and mind whole again.