This has been the way I’ve functionned for the last 35 years, in most areas of my life.
Either I would smoke a pack a day or quit entirely. Luckily I quit indefinitely 6 years ago with my latest pregnancy and have never felt the urge to take it up again.
I will either count calories and feed on whole grain food and homemade smoothies or go for a binge-shopping trip to buy pringles, cheddar, chocolate and a diet coke.
Or I will keep to a strict maximum amount of money per week and then quit it all after an online shopping spree on Amazon.
The result? A feeling of utter disappointment, low self-esteem because I can’t seem to pull a single plan through till the end, … and so on.
Why do I keep failing? Are the goals too big? Am I too feeble? Am I just a loser?
My recent epic fail with completing my first 21K run made me finally realize my mistake. It was not a failure because I didn’t make it, but more because I forced myself through it and was horribly in pain an sick for a day afterwards. I didn’t feel glorious and proud afterwards but simply stupid, frail, sick and down for having been this ridiculously stupid to pull it through when my body was clearly not ready for it. And for not listening to the alarm bells already half an hour before the end of the run: feet aching with every step, cramped neck, stomach churning and turning, preparing for a huge breakdown. I just didn’t want to listen, didn’t want to give up.
Thus, if there is one simple major goal I’ll set myself this year it will be to learn to take it easy. To take it slow but not too slow. To learn and be patient and work consistently at my goals.
When I finished my 50’000 words of nanowrimo in only 10 days, I was happy, sure, but also exhausted and fed up with it all. I had planned on finishing the novel in December, and editing it in January, but I didn’t do swat. Nothing. The new year came and I still was nowhere further with it. I knew the story was good and only needed some polishing and an additional chapter here and there. I knew what the ending would look like; I only needed to write it. But the thing that was keeping me from taking up the work again was the backstory. I had made up the plot as I went, but without any preparation, so my world was sort of hanging loose there, without any backbone. But fixing this major part would take planning, hours of researching and threading it into the story bit by bit.
Boooooring! Time-consuming! No instant gratification!
But to polish and finish the story as it deserved to be, I knew I had to work my way through it, steady and slow, step by step, one puzzle piece of the world-building at a time. No fast and furious scribbling the best scenes of the story, but a slow and steady construction of the foundations of the story so ut could actually stand on its own feet and survive.
So that’s what I’m working on now, still… Slow and steady…